I will make the plunge and admit that I have done the online dating thing and that is where I met Clueless. From the beginning Clueless was very, very enthusiastic. We emailed for a while and then we talked on the phone. He would text me and if I didn't respond right away he would text again asking why I hadn't responded. He asked me out and I figured, everything deserves at least one date, right?
Day of date:
He had to work until about 3 but he said he would call me after he got off work. I would be driving to Provo because he didn't have a car (Strike one). 3:00 rolls around and I don't hear from him. 4:00 rolls around, I still don't hear from him. 4:30...nothing. He finally calls me at almost 5:00 and at this point I'm irritated...(strike two) but I decide to still meet up with him.
I'm driving along I-15 and as I'm coming around the point of the mountain I get a text message from him. "R U here yet?" (he uses obnoxious text abbreviations - strike three) (obviously I am not there yet as I am not sitting or standing next to him - strike four). Since I'm driving, I don't respond.
As I'm getting closer to Provo around American Forkish I get another text message "Call me when U get here" (no, I'm going to sit around outside his apartment and not talk to him - strike five). Again, I don't answer as I'm driving.
I'm getting off the free way and he calls:
Clueless: Are you here yet?
Me: Nope. Just getting off the freeway.
Clueless: Let me give you directions to my place....uh...well, you'll turn....hang on a minute.
(shuffling and muffled conversation)
Friend of Clueless: Hi I'm Friend of Clueless. Clueless wanted me to give you directions. (Dude can't give directions - strike six).
Clueless stays on the phone with me as until I get to the apartment. He comes out side and my heart drops. I wonder if it would be bad form to just reverse out of the driveway and just go home. Fortunately or unfortunately I'm not that mean. I watch him as he walks towards my car. He's short....really short. I'm only 5'3"...he's shorter than I am and he's sort of limping (strike seven). He waves and smiles at me. I get out of the car and he tells me that he wants me to come inside so I can meet his friends. Plus we have to wait for his wallet to show up as he has left it in a friend's car.
We walk up the stair of the apartment building and there is trash and general grossness spewing down the stairs (strike eight). I walk in the apartment to find a row of 5 guys waiting to meet me. They rattle off their name and all I can think about is how early is too early to end a date? We sit down and the most awkward conversation ensues. A girl was sitting on the couch and makes a comment in reference to a girl in their ward "Well, you know they get desperate when they turn 21." Hhhmmmm....I was 25 at the time (strike nine).
The wallet finally arrives and we leave. Turns out he doesn't have a drivers license because he has severe ADD. This proved painfully obvious as he could not give directions and carry on a conversation at the same time (strike ten). It took as twice as long as it should have to get to Olive Garden. As we were waiting for our table he continues to babble. He's on the ten year plan to get his degree (strike eleven). I'm only halfway listening and am relieved when we are seated. However, any relief I felt is quickly gone when I realize our server is very attractive. Of course he is...
We order and the entire dinner conversation his him asking me who he needs to impress to get on my good side. He asks if my dad likes camping. I reply in the affirmative and he says that's good because then he can go camping with my dad and get on his good side. He then goes on to say that he told his parent's he would bring a girl home for Christmas and then says that I would really love his parents (strike twelve, thirteen, fourteen).
After dinner he invites me into his place and puts on a movie and I'm just trying to figure out how to get out of there. I am sitting on the end of the couch leaning away from him, holding a very large body pillow as an added barrier. My feet are tucked under me and my knees are creating another barrier between us. He sits down as close as he can get to me, basically sitting on my feet. He puts his elbow on my hip and places his hand on his thigh (strike fifteen, sixteen and seventeen). I lean further away from him. He leans towards me. I lean further. He leans. I am practically hanging off the couch (strike eighteen).
He makes up an excuse to trade seats. I sit on the other end of the couch in the same position. He leans. I lean. He leans. I lean (strike nineteen, twenty, twenty-one). I ask to use his bathroom. His bathroom is disgusting. I was afraid to touch anything (strike twenty-two). I come out and say I need to get home. He seems surprised and gets up to walk me out. I don't look at him and he goes in to kiss me (strike twenty-three, four, five and six). I quickly move my face and he gets an awkward and very brief hug.
I get a text from him later that night. "I had a really good time tonight. I'm sorry if anything I did made you uncomfortable" (strike twenty-seven). I don't respond but get multiple texts and phone calls/voice mails throughout the week from him.
Clueless text #1 "R U mad @ me""
Clueless text #2 "Please talk 2 me!"
Clueless text #3 "Y Rnt U talking 2 me? What did I do?"
Voicemail#1 "Hey, it's Clueless. I just wanted to thank you for a great night. Call me."
Voicemail #2 "It's Clueless. Please call me back."
Voicemail #3 "Hey...it's Clueless. I'm not sure what I did to make you upset or uncomfortable. I really think we need to talk so we can work this out and save our relationship. I think this can really work and I want to be with you. Please call me"
Strike Twenty-eight, Twenty-nine, Thirty. Needless to say I did not call him back and I did revise my one date policy. Not everyone deserves at least one date...
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